HENING

I never thought that I’d ever enjoyed quietness and aloneness. In the past, just the idea of being on my own without no one around scared me.

Funnily, now I looove to have plenty of time to be on my own. If I reflect back, the reason I was so afraid of being alone is not because of burglar or “ghost” (although if that happen, I’m sure it’d frighted me). But more because I wasn’t comfortable to be with myself. I was scared to go “inside” myself and found something that I wished wasn’t true about me.

As someone who tends to hold “negative” emotions, I knew that to go inside myself, I’d most likely find the rotten baggage that I’ve been hiding for many years. And just like many others who’d like to be happy and only experience the nicest feeling of life, to experience those pain and trauma were something that I avoided. This is also why, for many years, I avoided meditation. Because that’s precisely the path that shed light on my deepest, truest essence. Including my darkest, shittiest side.

But after several encounters of being forced to be in a situation where no one was around, I found the joy, pleasure, and benefit of being alone. Especially after I knew that I’m an introvert (Yep! I’m a talkative, sociable, and outgoing introvert if needed), having no one around really charged up my energy and being.

Because ultimately, our relationship with other beings is a reflection of our relationship within ourselves.

If we can’t accept and love ourselves, how could we accept and love other beings? If we can’t be at ease to be on our own, how could we survive through the impermanence and uncertainty, which are the only certain things about life?